broken, poured out, content

an alabaster jar. unbroken, it is a pretty bit of pottery. nice enough to look at. but the true purpose of this jar is not decorative, it is filled with a beautiful scent. but the fragrance can only be released when the jar is broken and the perfume inside is spilled out, poured out. then the true beauty is revealed, the purpose is complete. it is the same with a drink offering that is spoken of in the Old Testament and again by paul in Philippians 2. the drink offering is poured over a burnt offering, spilled out.

so, what does that have to do with me or this life or anything really? i personally am incapable of being a nurse and not engaging my heart with my patients and often their families. and often it leaves me with a level of brokenness. i am reminded of this after watching another family lose a child. after my own heartrending goodbye. i have a hard job...no one should have to watch a parent lose a child. but that is what God has given to me to do. and it hurts. i imagine if the alabaster jar could feel it would not want to be broken, it would hurt just as i do. but i choose the hurt, the breaking by the Father's hands so that i fulfill what He has given me to do and my beauty is revealed. i choose being poured out for His glory.

and it reminds me of the lyrics of shane and shane's song "i want it all"
use me, break me, waste me on You, Lord
ruin me, take me, waste me on You
for to die is to live...

paul said in his letter to the philippians that he had "learned the secret of being content in any and every situation..." i wish i could really say that i am content in every situation. but i have learned contentment in brokenness.

a little less conversation...part 2

this is more for the medical people who read my blog but if you aren't medical and you read this, please don't take offense at "medical humor".

Imagine the tune of Elvis Presley's song "A little less conversation)

A little less fluid a little more ventilation please.
This VQ mismatch is making it hard to breathe.
A little more PEEP and a little less work,
A little less deep a little more support.
Give me drugs and intubate and please ventilate me,
Ventilate me.

A little less fluid a little more ventilation please.
I'm overhydrated and getting puffy.
A little more out and a little less in,
The balance line is very thin.
Catheterize, some furosemide and don't overhydrate me.

Come on, yeah, its hard to breathe now.
Help me out, please, I can't wee now.
Come on, come on.
Come on, come on.
Come on, come on.
Don't procrastinate, don't hesitate,
Just ventilate me.

hubert update

hubert went home to Jesus this morning--it was a gentle, peaceful leaving. my prayers (many others' prayers) for his healing were answered--just not in the way our minds and hearts cry out for. his healing was eternal and not temporal. but he leaves behind a mother who just last week was finally beginning to believe her child could live and allowing her mother's heart to show towards him and now she leaves with empty arms and a broken heart. he leaves behind a father who was often absent during his hospital stay but who made it in time to say goodbye. he leaves behind a big sister who already viewed the world through eyes much older than her 3 years, a sister who didn't really understand all the fuss and bustle around hubert but knew that the lack of it meant something worse. he leaves behind other lives who were touched by him, who rejoiced in his gaining weight and worried over his fevers and loved him.

his leaving touches so many. most of our ward translators and counselors do not have formal training or medical knowledge and yet they are vital to this work. we ask them to speak harsh things to families or patients. we ask them to walk a bit against their own culture to say these things. in western medicine, we constantly inform patients and families of what is going on and teach them it is their right and even "job" to learn about the illness and treatment options and plans etc. here, the harsh truths are spoken to a family member (usually male) and later relayed to the mother in very general terms. in fact, my translator last night asked if i really wanted him to tell the mother directly such a harsh, hurtful truth. she had asked, so i told her as gently as possible, but in her culture the natural "softening" of a male relative was missing last night. one of our other translators asked me what and how i prayed for hubert. she voiced the age old question in different terms of "if God is good, then why?" and the answers looked at thru our eyes are insufficient, not good. and we have to ask that we can hopefully glimpse it thru the Father's eyes and trust that He really is Sovereign and Love and Comfort.

so i ask for you who read this to please continue to pray, no longer for hubert's healing, that is complete, but for those he left behind that they would be comforted.

a little less conversation...

Hubert, a 9 month old, is almost lost in the adult bed behind me in the ICU. He is so small--both in weight and stature from his malnourishment. The malnourishment came from feeding difficulties due to his cleft lip and palate. And the malnourishment has given him little chance to fight whatever illness (virus or bacteria...we don't know yet) that is currently attacking him. His lungs have suffered and this morning he was placed on the ventilator. His lungs are already stiff and the smallest parts of his lungs want to close and not reopen. This makes it hard to breathe for him. Also, because his body is so sick, his veins are "leaky" and the fluid we give him is apt to go outside the veins and arteries into areas it doesn't belong (like the lungs) which also makes it hard to breathe for him. He is quite ill...even if we had all of "western" medicine at our fingertips, he still faces a huge battle. But GOD is Sovereign and He holds Hubert in His hands. Pray for Hubert's healing. Pray for mom who is watching her child be so ill and big sister Pauline who at 3 years old doesn't really understand what the fuss is. Pray for the medical staff...that His touch may be in our hands, that His wisdom may be in our minds, that His words may be in our mouths as we care for Hubert and his family.

There is a good reason for the title of the post, but it is too frivolous for tonight. Tonight I just ask for prayer.

T.I.A. -- happy one year

so, i have been in africa for one year as of last saturday. it is hard to believe at times that it has been a year and it is also at times hard to believe that it has only been a year. i have enjoyed my year. i have struggled in my year. i have matured in my year. i have also dissolved into silliness in my year. i have developed friendships that will last a lifetime and worked to maintain friendships with those far away. i have said goodbye to more people than i ever thought possible in one year. and i have uttered the phrase "T.I.A." countless times.

this phrase is from the movie "blood diamond" and dicaprio's character says this at one point. the person he speaks it to is a novice at the ways of africa and needs a bit more explanation. "This Is Africa". it is said to explain the things we see or hear or (even do?) that are different b/c we are in africa and that is the african way. sometimes we say it derisively, sometimes jestingly, sometimes in acceptance but regardless, there are things that you just say "T.I.A." and go on. below are some of those things.

zemijohns: these are motorcycles or at times little more than a dirt bike that are used as taxis here in benin. they are used to carry home your shopping or your tools to work or the entire family...oh, i can see you shaking your heads thinking i am exaggerating...but no. it is true...see the pics above. and you shake your head and say "T.I.A."

window shopping: this has a slightly different look here in africa. at home window shopping means 'i'm just looking'. here, it means look out the window of the landrover for whatever you might need going by your window carefully balanced atop someone's head. here is a short list of the things you might buy from your window or see perched on someone's head for sale: cell phones and chargers, teapot, iron, food, clothing, fabric to make clothing, guitars, clocks, gum and candy. and i know, you are still thinking i am exaggerating but it is true...look at the pics. and you shake your head and say "T.I.A."

there is an interesting double standard here that falls under the umbrella of "T.I.A."-->it is considered offensive for my bra strap to be showing or for the small of my back to be exposed or my knees to be uncovered. BUT, i have seen people wandering around in random states of undress...the fishermen strip to their skin only as the boats come into harbor, rinse off and dress in other clothes. women wander around topless. children may have a shirt on and nothing else. but don't dare show your knees! "T.I.A."

and my final "T.I.A." for the day. yesterday, i was in the market buying fabric for a skirt. one of the ladies sitting in her booth reached over and patted my fat and said (in french or fon) "you are FAT!"--i said thank you and moved on. it is meant as a compliment here. it means i am rich enough to always have food. but my poor western mind cannot see the compliment in it and would instead feel the taunts of children at home except for that helpful little phrase..."This Is Africa!!!!!!!"

swiss chocolate part 2

last of the "owed" posts! woohoo!

so, on my sunday in my short trip to switzerland, i went down to the lugano area to the lakes. i rode trains and buses through some beautiful areas all surrounded by the swiss alps. the mountains rose up beside the roadway (except when the roadway was in a tunnel cut through the mountain) lush and green as if God had experimented with how many different shades of green He could make. an occasional waterfall surprised as melting snow traveled its way down the mountainsides. the lushness gave way further up the mountains to barren rock and finally to snow capped tops. it was breathtaking. and throughout the journey were small colorful villages tucked into the bases of the mountains. no neighborhood associations that require the rooftops to all have uniform shingles or a bland color palette to choose from when painting the outsides of cookie cutter homes. there was color everywhere...from the primary outside color to the shutters surrounding the windows to the flower boxes overflowing with flowers at the windows to the shingles, each home different than the next. it was so pleasing to my eyes.

as i travelled, the language of the announcements changed from swiss german (or perhaps the announcements where in "high" german) to italian...two of the four official languages in switzerland. i arrived to lugano and found my way down to the lake. there was a beautiful garden wandering alongside one part of the lake and i enjoyed wandering through it. peeking in windows of shops closed because it was sunday! (gasp...what a concept!) and just relaxing. that evening for dinner i enjoyed a pizza and a glass of vino (b/c those things translate quite easily as far as this non-italian speaker is concerned). the pizza was quite yummy, the wine so-so, and the dinner a bit lonely as no one around spoke english. that night there was a terrific thunderstorm with frequent rolls of thunder as lightning flashed all about. and that was my day in lugano.

pictures above are the lake, a sidewalk chess game and one of the flowers in the garden.

swiss chocolate part 1

ok, my final "owed" post about my time in swizterland. but i'm splitting it into two parts so really i kind of owe one more ;-) hehe

i arrived to zurich on 4 july and stood for a few minutes in the airport waiting for timon's train to arrive (yes, in the airport for a train...it was across the building). while i was standing there i worried if i would recognize him. it had been several months since i had seen him. and i worried about how we would get on (again b/c of the several months since i had seen him). but then he walked up and of course i knew him and i quit worrying b/c i was in swizterland! with timon! we pretty much straight away got back on a train going back the way he just travelled to "pick me up" from the airport. since we were conversing in english (as i don't speak swiss german) we were marked as tourists which was fine for me but i think t. was a bit annoyed by being marked as a tourist in his own country. when in fact, he was just being a good host and not speaking to his visitor in a language she didn't understand. i spent the first half hour on the train just revelling in being with my friend again and then realized here was this beautiful country passing by in the windows and i hadn't even been looking!

timon's town is surrounded on three sides by the swiss alps. and they are breathtaking. i would like to see them some day in the winter when more than the peaks are covered in snow. after we went to his home so i could drop off my stuff and meet his parents (delightful people and obviously the reason timon turned out so well) we met up with t's best friend, phillip, and a friend of phillip's, chris (who is also from texas) and went to a castle that is visible from timon's home. the plan had been to take the cable car to the top of the mountain but the clouds were obscuring the mountain tops. the castle was not a large one and it still had a village attached...inhabitants approximately 15. the boys were quite intrigued by the large collection of guns and swords. (boys will be boys after all). there was even a wedding in the courtyard with people dressed in traditional swiss outfits.

after the castle, we sat in the sun (and i didn't burn despite the high altitude so it must be the african sun itself) eating ice cream. there is something to be said for living in a town instead of a huge city...many people waved a greeting as they drove or walked by, knowing either phillip or timon or both. after this, we headed back to t's house where his mom had prepared racletta for us (a traditional swiss meal consisting of potatoes with melted cheese poured over it...and that doesn't really describe it well...they have a little grill thing that is just for melting the cheese...just go to switzerland and try it sometime! grin). it was quite yummy. afterwards, we went for a walk in the dusk/dark and i wished i had had my camera b/c the moon was rising over the castle as we walked and it was quite beautiful.

skip sunday there b/c i headed down to lugano to visit while timon's church held a youth day. (i haven't been youth in a while and also, it would have been mean to expect him to entertain me and speak english when everyone else was speaking swiss german and new visitors to the church, etc). my day in lugano will be part 2

so, monday back with timon and we just hung out at his home. by monday, the awkwardness of silence between friends who haven't spent time together in a while was gone. there were moments of comfortable silence and lots of fun chatter as well. in fact, we got so caught up in chatter that i missed my bus to the train to take me to richterswil where i was going to be spending the night. his friend phillip graciously lent his car so timon could take me to the train and there we had a very long and a bit awkward goodbye. since it was a rushed affair to get to the train, we said goodbye and i got on the train but then the train didn't leave for several more minutes so we were just there looking at each other and occasionally waving goodbye and grinning. it finally got so silly i opened the door and said this is a very long awkward goodbye and you should just go. he agreed and i watched him walk away even as the train started moving. sad.

pictures are of me with timon and phillip in his home, the table set-up for racletta (note the spoon/spatula things by each plate which held the cheese that went into the grill to be melted then poured over the potatoes) and a clock spire and town shot of the town where t. lives.