when push comes to shove

when push comes to shove, when i'm caught between a rock and hard place, when the other shoe drops, when the cloud has no silver lining...can i trust God? can i trust in His goodness in the "dead of night"?...and the answer is yes, but sometimes just barely. i know my last post talked about contentment in brokenness...and i am. but there are days when it there is so much piled on that it is hard to breathe. how to trust God then? and it is in the dark times that the lessons learned in the light have to be lived and held on to even when my own strength falters.

today is a day like that. my sister-in-law's (holly) sister-in-law (erin) almost died after childbirth last night. my nephew had his first visit to the ER this week. holly's dad (keegan) is in remote mexico while his family hurts and needs him to be home. and a few other dropped shoes this week that i heard about with an early morning (in texas) phone call. and all this hurts me, so far away. i can't change anything but proximity in being home but i feel torn in times like this. knowing i'm supposed to be here and mostly wanting to be here. but also desperately wanting to be there. and i have to hold on to the lessons God taught me before both in the valley and on the mountain top. but i won't lie, today it is hard. i ask for your prayers for my family (erin and bryce and baby kyah, holly and greg and the kids, bethany, keegan and terry, me) that He would comfort and heal and give strength.

but i also want to praise Him even in the darkness...to praise Him that He even thinks of us at all with thoughts of mercy and love and not just righteous vengeance which is really all we're due from His hand. to thank Him for the gift of laughter yesterday...my day that was filled with so much laughter my head hurt a bit this morning. for the delighted screams of the little girl down in the ward who sports the biggest grin. for the smile of joshua where the dimples become more pronounced when he gets that shy grin he gets sometimes. for friends who pray. for friends who will laugh with me but also for the ones who will smile with me. for the color blue. and even for the color diabetic urine yellow =) for the smell (but not the taste) of coffee. for ocean waves crashing on the shore. for a bird in flight seemingly suspended in air by absolutely nothing. and so much more. God IS good.